Calling it quits with my role models

Lets spill some tea

Have you ever been in a situation where you admired this one person (or group of people) to the extent that they could actually even be called your second parent(s)? They inspired you, urged you to be a better person and even provided you with a purpose , something we all need to make our lives exceptional.

I was that person , barely after a year of officially recognizing them as my official 'idols' my life seemed to have gone under fairy godmother' spell and literally changed overnight . Within a year I was completely unrecognizable, hustling , always working towards a dream, always trying to be the unrealistic, perfect me that i had envisioned and i had almost even become that kind of a person. My idols had helped me , been there for me during my roughest years , these people were all I had. Or so I thought.

There came 2017 , my idols after a lot of initial struggle had finally boomed worldwide , they had become an overnight sensation. At first could not be more happy , for them , for myself , them finally succeeding meant the world to all of us , yet something very very critical changed. Them. Their work which had inspired, supported me suddenly did a 180 back-flip , they went from revolutionaries with a message , creators with a unique soul to their art to commercialized , soul-less mainstream sensations. I could not feel them , their soul anymore and I was thrown into a state of confusion , i had an identity crisis which made my life a living hell , I was angry at myself thinking something has gone wrong with me , not long ago had I vowed to revere them all my life , now...I cannot bear to look at them, I despise their art . All the while , they are gaining more admirers , it seems i am the only one who has changed. All these thoughts, the associated stress, anxiety ...I suffered and am still affected by this incident. It changed me drastically it made me shapeless , reduced me to a clean slate .

Thankfully , I went on a vacation that swept me off my feet , it cured me in every way imaginable and I realized that it was no one' fault and that I am not dwelling on this anymore , with so much beauty to this world and the infinite capability I as a human possess , why must I let anyone else or any experience define me ? I am worth more than just xxxx admirer, I am not a survivor of xxxxxxxxxx , I am Victoria Collins , I am limitless.

Looking back I still wish I could be that person again , but the foundations upon which i had built this new , awe-inspiring me were people. It is no one' fault , we as people are dynamic we are constantly evolving at every moment of our lives , change although something difficult, often undesirable is and will be a part of us. I based my vision of myself to be " exactly like them ", "skilled in xxxxx like xxxx", "having a mindset like xx " , although it is a very admirable to look up to someone, formulating your own opinions to simply wish to be another person or to rely on them to such an extent is dangerous. You risk losing your identity , you gradually grow weaker as this person is centralized into your support system and you forget to be your own therapist , your own lifelong supporter.

"What truly is unreliable is a person' heart ", this saying sounds so true and we must take note , not trying to fit ourselves into a rigid image (either imposed or self-created) we tire ourselves out trying to finally fit into . Of course there are some selective values we have an affinity to throughout our lives, keep them but never stop reflecting and re examining your perspectives , your stand , your values . Even if there are periods where we just don't have any purpose , when we feel like the spectral particles afloat in a vast void space , lets just remember that it will be better , it will be different and all we need to be is understanding of ourselves and those around us .

" THE SHOW GOES ON , YOU MUST GO ON " - Sunmi